Why its so hard to say I'm a good mom.

Here's what I have come to learn, I am a good mom. There I said it. This is so hard for me to say! I'm not sure about you but I'm terribly hard on myself. It is so easy for me to think of all the things I'm not good at rather than the things I'm good at. During the day I think about how my tone of voice was too harsh with my kids, that I cleaned rather than listened to my child missing an opportunity to connect or how I rather do anything else then play one more game of tag, etc. These thoughts often fill my mind and wear me down. It easy for me to feel guilty that I'm not the mom my kids need. However, recently I am seeing myself differently. I am giving myself grace and freedom, learning to relax. Relax is not a word that describes me at all! I'm normally beating myself up from my failures rather than seeing the beauty around myself and the day.
 

It started when I asked my kids some questions like, "Do you think mommy plays with you" , "do you know mommy loves you" and "what would you want mommy to differently if you could choose"...the answers were quit surprising and also not at the same time. From all kids they responded with, "of course you play with us" and "of course you love us". The answer for what they would change about me came from my oldest and his answer was, "buy me a new Mario game, and buy me more things" sorry bud that's not going to happen anytime soon. When I began to process the day through my kids eyes and heart is they feel loved, they feel cared for, they enjoy and know mommy plays with them.

 

 I have this insecurity and battle with myself about playing with my kids and giving them the attention they want verses what they need. Having 5 kids I can only do so much. If I give each kid just 10 minutes of my attention that's already 50mins! Along with this, my skill set as a mom does not include getting on my kids level and playing freely. I'm not great at pretending to be super heroes, etc. I'm much better at connecting from conversations. I love when we sit down and talk about their day. I also love teaching them things. Sitting down and having some school time and reading together are highlights of my days. However, having a 6 year old and 4 other younger ones means there is not a lot of deep long conversations and structured learning time happening. often there's forts being built, a battle going on or a game of soccer being played. So with the lack of wanting to play all day with my kids I have often beat myself up and equated it to not loving my kids enough. Yet, hearing from my kids reminded me that yes they are loved and yes they know it and feel it too.

So why am I so hard on myself and put myself in these chains that drag me down? I know there is some deep reasons about why I am they way I am. My up bringing and personality contribute to my thoughts and insecurities. The last few years I have began to understand myself and I learn more about the way I tick. Accepting my personality and tendencies has given me a new sense of confidence. Admitting I'm created beautifully is a new development for me. God gave me my skill sets and I am learning be so thankful for them. I'm not dwelling on my flaws but learning be the mom God created me to be along with being confident in that. I know what I'm good at and what I struggle with as a parent. I know ways I can aid my weaknesses and ways to bring my strengths to new heights and I'm working on those. The best feeling is learning to accept me where I am as a mom and person. Learning to have grace with myself is giving me such freedom.

The last two weeks I feel like a weight has come off my shoulders and the chains are starting to fall off. I don't constantly think of how I messing my kids up or not living up to the expectation I set (way too high) for myself. Rather I'm seeing my kids enjoy each other. I may be cleaning, cooking dinner or whatnot and instead of feeling guilty about not playing with them I see positives of not being around all the tme. I realize how awesome that my kids have each other. They don't need me all the time and that is freeing! They are learning how to work out problems with each other when I'm not around. My kids can negotiate and compromise like you wouldn't believe. They have learned this skill because I'm not around as much and they have to work out their problems on their own. This isn't such a horrible thing as I once thought! My kids laugh at each other, play with each other. They love each other and feel loved too.  I work hard at being a mom and you know what I can honestly say my kids are doing well and so am I!  Freedom brings me a new excitement of wanting to keep trucking on as a mom. I want to be constantly improving but my motivation now comes from a genuine heart not a heart full of guilt.

 

 

 

Learning to soak in the sweet moments when it all seems so overwelming.

   My husband asked me why I only write when I'm at my wits end and struggling. I told him I write to reflect and process my thoughts. He said that was his point what about the good times, do I reflect and think upon them?

 

   His question made me realize how rarely I processes the good sweet memories of the day. At the end of the day what I reflect most on are my regrets. I wonder what would happen if I put as much thought into the beautiful, fun and enjoyable times of the day as I do my hardships. I wonder if at the end of the day if I focused on the laughter I had with my kids as much as the tantrums, cleaning and chaos would my heart change? I'm not sure about you but when I lay down at the end of the day I tend to think about all the hard things rather than the beauty of the day. I think about the messes I still have or the times I yelled at my kids when I was so desperately  trying to keep my cool. These memories are easy for me to remember and reflect upon. I easily forget about the laughter I shared with my kids as we played animal tag or the talks we had as we dug in the dirt for worms.

 

For the next two weeks at the end of the day I am making a conscious effort to reflect, write and talk more about the sweet moments of the day. I'm not going to ignore or pretend my days are a piece of cake and my kids are perfect. Instead I'm going to try and remember as many wonderful memories as hard ones. When I lay down at night I'm going to reflect on and cherish the talks and fun I had with my kids besides the regrets. I'm going to remember the beauty I see all around me. I am thankful for this time and opportunity to be a mother to 5 kids. Its a crazy adventure and most days my goal is to not get overwhelmed and keep my cool. My new goal is no matter the craziness may I learn to soak in the sweet memories! I'll post my update in two weeks!

 

Embracing the journey

I found it hard to embrace mother’s day this year. I was feeling inadequet as a mother and physically tired. I arrived home after a day with family and I put the kids to bed while my husband went into work. Afterwards, I had a good cry. I know many if not all mothers go through times of hardship, being worn out, tired and disappointed. That was where I was at. I was feeling inadequate, inadequate to be a mother of 5 kids. I watched my children play and thought of the mother I wanted to be. I hadn’t been that mother and knew I wanted to change. I had been in survival mode. Our littlest was 2 months old so survival mode is where we had been. Just getting through the days without much planning besides surviving the day. Survival mood is not where I wanted to stay and on that mother’s day I knew it was time to start fading out of survival mode and living more purposefully.  So after my cry I opened a book to get some encouragement and read this,

The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

I realized I need to take time again to not just run through the day with my kids but to take some time to build my house. What that means to me is that I need to take time to refocus. Like any job when you hit a rough patch it’s important to re-focus, re commit. I thought of my boys and all their planning they do to build the biggest towers or lego houses. I thought of the planning that goes into building a house and the preparations.  Yet to tear their lego house down or tower just takes a swift knock or kick but to build seems to me much more thought out. So after my tears dried I  realized I needed to be more purposeful in my journey as a mother. Not putting to much pressure on myself I just took 10 minutes to planned a few things for the following day. I wrote down a flexible schedule of things I could do with the kids and things that needed to get done around the house. I set new goals, new schedules and re focused myself. I felt a bit more prepared and had a sense of excitement with a new focus. I felt ready for the challenge of building my house and investing in my kids. I knew that even if tomorrow didn’t go as planned or the kids woke up sick that it was going to be ok.  I am a mother, a mother that will keep trucking along. I refuse to tear down my own house. I refuse to let my pity or my sleeplessness get the best of my days. On that mother’s day I re committed to the journey of being a mom to 5 amazing kids. I knew that to be the best mother I could required a bit more planning and being purposeful with my time and my day. I also, realized that some days are just survival and having grace with myself is good but to get out of the survival mentality meant that I needed encouragement to embracing this journey.

(Galatians 6:9 has been encouraging to me as well in this time)

 

Super Mom I am Not

I need to be honest with everyone if you see me out with my kids enjoying them, playing with them and then count my children 1,2,3,4 and realize I’m pregnant with our 5^th kid. Your eyes may widen as you come to learn that all these children are mine. Then when you find out I will have 5 kids in 6.5 years you might say or think, “wow you are supermom” but here’s the truth I am far far from that. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that from others so I feel the need to write this.

I realize that my perception may be that I am supermom just for the fact that I have so many kids so close together in age and stay at home. However, as you get to know me more you will learn that I never planned this life of mine. To be honest I never saw myself as a stay at home mom. I use to think I would be overseas helping the poor, orphans or something along those lines. Another option I thought of myself would be to have a successful career.  I thought I could become a manager, or successful business woman. These were the paths I saw for myself and when neither of those paths ended up happening and I found myself at home doing daycare and then adjusting to staying at home with just my own kids well that also didn’t seem to quit fit either.

               The truth is I don’t feel like I’m a natural stay at home mom. I’m a complete extravert so just staying home is hard and I need to get out a lot! Then there’s the cooking which I don’t even do my husband does. The organizing of the house, kids’ activities, learning and just being with them all day made me feel like maybe I’m not good at this either. However, over the last 6 years I have learned a few tricks that make it easier, more manageable and have actually come to enjoy staying at home with my kids. It’s funny at one point after having kids I would have never thought I would be able to say that. But here's the thing it took work, it didn’t come natural and still doesn’t. I want to be real with you and say I have learned to enjoy this new life of mine but it was not what I for saw for myself and it did and does not come natural. I hate breast feeding, I’m not good at playing with the kids without structure and I miss my sleep.

               I cried each time I found out I was pregnant. I know that sounds bad but it’s true. The first and second I cried because I was a surprised and scared. The third and fifth were because we had been on birth control and then IUD when I found out I was pregnant. One thing I have learned is my life is beautiful and I’m so thankful I didn’t plan it. However, that being said I have wrestled with feelings of guilt not because of not wanting my kids but the grief of not having the life I for saw. I love structure, organization and with my family that part is hard to have.  I can organize and clean but it’s truly never ending. Its hard work and it takes a lot of time, energy and sometimes I just don’t want to do it.

               To end it here would be ashamed because although my life is not what I planned and is a bit hard at times I’m so thankful for it. I have learned so much in such a little time and I think it's because I have been desperate. I have read more books, prayed more and never have felt so humbled in all my life. It’s truly been some of my darkest and best times in my life, I would never change it. I can’t explain the love I have for each one of my kids. I can’t explain why or how I have come to enjoy staying at home and building relationships with my kids have changed me and my heart condition. I am truly thankful that I didn’t plan my life but when you see me please please don’t think this comes natural or that I’m some super mom. I’m just a mom who is trying her best to enjoy the life that I have been blessed with. With a thankful heart but it’s a process and one that is a journey that has been a bit bumpy but wonderful too.