I need to be honest with everyone if you see me out with my
kids enjoying them, playing with them and then count my children 1,2,3,4 and
realize I’m pregnant with our 5th kid. Your eyes may widen as you
come to learn that all these children are mine. Then when you find out I will
have 5 kids in 6.5 years you might say or think, “wow you are supermom” but here’s
the truth I am far far from that. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard
that from others so I feel the need to write this.
I realize that my perception may be
that I am supermom just for the fact that I have so many kids so close together
in age and stay at home. However, as you get to know me more you will learn
that I never planned this life of mine. To be honest I never saw myself as a
stay at home mom. I use to think I would be overseas helping the poor, orphans
or something along those lines. Another option I thought of myself would be to
have a successful career. I thought I
could become a manager, or successful business woman. These were the paths I
saw for myself and when neither of those paths ended up happening and I found
myself at home doing daycare and then adjusting to staying at home with just my
own kids well that also didn’t seem to quit fit either.
The
truth is I don’t feel like I’m a natural stay at home mom. I’m a complete
extravert so just staying home is hard and I need to get out a lot! Then there’s
the cooking which I don’t even do my husband does. The organizing of the house,
kids’ activities, learning and just being with them all day made me feel like
maybe I’m not good at this either. However, over the last 6 years I have
learned a few tricks that make it easier, more manageable and have actually
come to enjoy staying at home with my kids. It’s funny at one point after
having kids I would have never thought I would be able to say that. But here's
the thing it took work, it didn’t come natural and still doesn’t. I want to be
real with you and say I have learned to enjoy this new life of mine but it was
not what I for saw for myself and it did and does not come natural. I hate
breast feeding, I’m not good at playing with the kids without structure and I
miss my sleep.
I cried
each time I found out I was pregnant. I know that sounds bad but it’s true. The
first and second I cried because I was a surprised and scared. The third and
fifth were because we had been on birth control and then IUD when I found out I
was pregnant. One thing I have learned is
my life is beautiful and I’m so thankful I didn’t plan it. However, that being
said I have wrestled with feelings of guilt not because of not wanting my kids
but the grief of not having the life I for saw. I love structure, organization
and with my family that part is hard to have. I can organize and clean but it’s truly never
ending. Its hard work and it takes a lot of time, energy and sometimes I just don’t
want to do it.
To end
it here would be ashamed because although my life is not what I planned and is
a bit hard at times I’m so thankful for it. I have learned so much in such a
little time and I think it's because I have been desperate. I have read more books,
prayed more and never have felt so humbled in all my life. It’s truly been some
of my darkest and best times in my life, I would never change it. I can’t
explain the love I have for each one of my kids. I can’t explain why or how I
have come to enjoy staying at home and building relationships with my kids have
changed me and my heart condition. I am truly thankful that I didn’t plan my
life but when you see me please please don’t think this comes natural or that I’m
some super mom. I’m just a mom who is trying her best to enjoy the life that I have
been blessed with. With a thankful heart but it’s a process and one that is a
journey that has been a bit bumpy but wonderful too.
