Why its so hard to say I'm a good mom.

Here's what I have come to learn, I am a good mom. There I said it. This is so hard for me to say! I'm not sure about you but I'm terribly hard on myself. It is so easy for me to think of all the things I'm not good at rather than the things I'm good at. During the day I think about how my tone of voice was too harsh with my kids, that I cleaned rather than listened to my child missing an opportunity to connect or how I rather do anything else then play one more game of tag, etc. These thoughts often fill my mind and wear me down. It easy for me to feel guilty that I'm not the mom my kids need. However, recently I am seeing myself differently. I am giving myself grace and freedom, learning to relax. Relax is not a word that describes me at all! I'm normally beating myself up from my failures rather than seeing the beauty around myself and the day.
 

It started when I asked my kids some questions like, "Do you think mommy plays with you" , "do you know mommy loves you" and "what would you want mommy to differently if you could choose"...the answers were quit surprising and also not at the same time. From all kids they responded with, "of course you play with us" and "of course you love us". The answer for what they would change about me came from my oldest and his answer was, "buy me a new Mario game, and buy me more things" sorry bud that's not going to happen anytime soon. When I began to process the day through my kids eyes and heart is they feel loved, they feel cared for, they enjoy and know mommy plays with them.

 

 I have this insecurity and battle with myself about playing with my kids and giving them the attention they want verses what they need. Having 5 kids I can only do so much. If I give each kid just 10 minutes of my attention that's already 50mins! Along with this, my skill set as a mom does not include getting on my kids level and playing freely. I'm not great at pretending to be super heroes, etc. I'm much better at connecting from conversations. I love when we sit down and talk about their day. I also love teaching them things. Sitting down and having some school time and reading together are highlights of my days. However, having a 6 year old and 4 other younger ones means there is not a lot of deep long conversations and structured learning time happening. often there's forts being built, a battle going on or a game of soccer being played. So with the lack of wanting to play all day with my kids I have often beat myself up and equated it to not loving my kids enough. Yet, hearing from my kids reminded me that yes they are loved and yes they know it and feel it too.

So why am I so hard on myself and put myself in these chains that drag me down? I know there is some deep reasons about why I am they way I am. My up bringing and personality contribute to my thoughts and insecurities. The last few years I have began to understand myself and I learn more about the way I tick. Accepting my personality and tendencies has given me a new sense of confidence. Admitting I'm created beautifully is a new development for me. God gave me my skill sets and I am learning be so thankful for them. I'm not dwelling on my flaws but learning be the mom God created me to be along with being confident in that. I know what I'm good at and what I struggle with as a parent. I know ways I can aid my weaknesses and ways to bring my strengths to new heights and I'm working on those. The best feeling is learning to accept me where I am as a mom and person. Learning to have grace with myself is giving me such freedom.

The last two weeks I feel like a weight has come off my shoulders and the chains are starting to fall off. I don't constantly think of how I messing my kids up or not living up to the expectation I set (way too high) for myself. Rather I'm seeing my kids enjoy each other. I may be cleaning, cooking dinner or whatnot and instead of feeling guilty about not playing with them I see positives of not being around all the tme. I realize how awesome that my kids have each other. They don't need me all the time and that is freeing! They are learning how to work out problems with each other when I'm not around. My kids can negotiate and compromise like you wouldn't believe. They have learned this skill because I'm not around as much and they have to work out their problems on their own. This isn't such a horrible thing as I once thought! My kids laugh at each other, play with each other. They love each other and feel loved too.  I work hard at being a mom and you know what I can honestly say my kids are doing well and so am I!  Freedom brings me a new excitement of wanting to keep trucking on as a mom. I want to be constantly improving but my motivation now comes from a genuine heart not a heart full of guilt.